2024-03-22: Testimonials

There are few activities more humbling than being a portfolio manager; so much of short-term results depends on pure chance. Yet humility is in very short supply in the business, on both sides: managers and clients. Sometimes a few month or a couple of years of good numbers are hailed as the birth of a new guru or megatrend. Often it all ends in tears almost as quickly as the gestation period.

None of this stops managers and institutions from making unrealistic and murky claims, all to support their demands for more money to manage and to get away with compensation formulas which make me cringe. Neither is humility often displayed in official marketing documents by financial institutions. Like the case of good news in the media, honesty and simplicity is boring; it does not sell. Last week my attention fell upon some advertisements from a number of financial institutions; I looked back in time and re-read some of their previous campaigns. As in the case of the letters to shareholders, you can get a lot from these snippets. The ads are in their original languages. [My reactions in brackets]

WiseBanyan (acquired by Axos Financial, Inc.):

  • ‘Invest in the present. Love your future.’ [My favorite; time is your friend]

Fineco:

  • ‘Fineco. Risposte semplici a domande complesse.’ [Cosa molto rara]
  • ‘Non possiamo prevedere il futuro. Possiamo costruirlo insieme.’ [Realistico]
  • ‘Tu hai gli obiettivi. Noi, gli strumenti per aiutarti a raggiungerli.’ [Geniale]

Lombard Odier:

  • ‘Rethink Everything: A Unique Positioning.’ [WTF?]
  • ‘For a safer, smarter investment journey get into the driving seat.’ [I thought you were my paid chauffeurs]
  • ‘Want to know how to fix investment for the next generation? Try asking them what they want.’ [You mean aside from crypto? ‘Fix investment?’]

Pictet:

  • ‘If you knew more about us we wouldn’t be so famous for our discretion.’ [Or maybe we’d just run away]
  • ‘Your ideas created your wealth. Our ideas ensure you keep it.’ [Hopefully after your fees]
  • ‘A lot of people understand money. How many people understand families?’ [Good question, but then who cares?]

UBS:

  • ‘Am I a good father?’ [Maybe]
  • ‘Can I truly make a difference?’ [Maybe]
  • ‘Is my business growing fast enough?’ [Surely not]
  • ‘UBS Wealth Management. For a new generation. Accumulate wealth now.’ [Right]

J.P. Morgan:

  • ‘J.P. Morgan: 200 years of guidance.’ [So?]
  • ‘Your partner in navigating significant wealth.’ [The famous canoe-and-paddle investment process]
  • ‘Bring the uncertain into focus.’ [That’s a lot of stuff to bring into focus]
  • ‘Welcome to a more personal investment experience.’ [Why is that relevant?]

Bank of America Merrill Lynch:

  • ‘Keep your capital working.’ [If you can]
  • ‘We believe in thinking differently.’ [OK]
  • ‘Focus on financial wellness.’ [Absolutely]
  • ‘The best time to talk to a Merrill Advisor? Yesterday.’ [See you next time then]

Banca Mediolanum:

  • ‘Corriamo insieme verso nuovi traguardi.’ [Ma tenetevi stretti il portafoglio]
  • ‘Banca Mediolanum. Costruita intorno a te.’ [Come una gabbia: se ci entri non ne esci più]

Barclays Bank:

  • ‘Wealth. What’s it to you? Catching the next wave.’ [Nice]
  • ‘Wealth. What’s it to you? I plant the trees so my children get the shade.’ [Ditto]
  • ‘Wealth. What’s it to you? Having a fantastic time when you’re really, really, really, really grown up.’ [Ditto]



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Very positive market returns last week. The much awaited Fed meeting on Wednesday yielded exactly what was expected (no change), but appeared to confirm the central bank’s intention to stick to 3 cuts in 2024 beginning probably in early summer. This while Japan raised rates for the first time in 17 years on Tuesday, an action also widely expected by the markets and with limited impact on prices.

[Cover Source: The Wall Street Journal]

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